Tuesday, November 10, 2009

My Miracle

I almost lost this one.  It still haunts me some nights when I close my eyes.  I picture the whole accident in my mind.  I can't believe it has been 9 months since she was hit by a car.  I recently had to read over the police reports and was reminded again of what a miracle it is to have her still with us.  I have not written down the events that happened that day and I do want to record it.  We were in a strip-mall parking lot.  I was 5 months pregnant with Lily and I had Elle and Gwen with me.  Gwen stepped off of the curb right as a truck was entering the parking lot.  My back was turned so I did not see it happen, but I did hear it. I ran to the front of the truck and Gwen was underneath.  Her body was under the truck behind the front passenger tire.  The truck was not completely on top of her but she was wedged underneath the tire.  I pulled her out and sat on the ground holding her.  Someone yelled that they were calling 911.  As I held her, she was quiet.  No crying.  Her eyes were rolled back in her head and she had blood coming out of her mouth.  Her little body was limp but she was breathing.  I just remember quietly whispering in her ear, "please, please, please don't leave me".  I repeated that over and over again.  Elle stood by me with tears running down her cheeks.  She tapped me on my shoulder and said, 'mama, I am sad about Gwen".  I told her to say a prayer.  I just kept rocking her in my arms not wanting her to drift away.  It was horrible.  The police arrived quickly as did the ambulence.  They put her on a stretcher and said I had to sit in the front seat and not with her.  There was not enough room for Elle so I had to leave her there with the police which was heartbreaking.  As we sped to the hospital with the sirens going I kept speed dialing my Jon.  I didn't even know what to say to him. When we got to the ER they were waiting for us outside. Gwen was not in good shape.  She had a collapsed lung, 5 broken ribs, a broken arm, dislocated elbow and severe road rash.  The doctors two main concerns were possible trauma to her brain and her collapsed lung.  She was having trouble breathing and they had to immediatley put a chest tube in her to drain the blood out.  The doctors had me stay in there with her and told me to keep talking to her.  She needed to hear my voice, they said.  I got a hold of Jon and he met me in the ER.  She was put on a ventilator because she was unable to breathe on her own.  After a few hours we were taken up to the Pediatric ICU with her.  They put her in a medically induced coma.  I kept going over and over the accident in my mind trying to change it.  I felt so responsible.  I had not protected her and that is my main responsibility as her mom.  I remember her going in for a cat scan. Waiting for the results was torture.  They were assuming that she would have pretty severe trauma to the brain.  When we were told that her brain looked normal, my heart felt so much relief.  Our new concern would be getting her to breathe on her own.  Many, many prayers were offered in her behalf.  For that I am forever grateful.  Our prayers were answered and my sweet Gwen pulled through.  I remember the day they pulled the breathing tube out of her.  We had tried previously, unsuccessfully, and those were hard days.  To see your baby struggling with something as basic as breathing, is hard.  We waited another week and they tried again and this time they were successful.  They took her out of her medically induced coma and I was able to see her first breaths on her own.  Without being connected to all of the machines, I was now able to hold her for the first time in 12 days.  I will NEVER forget that moment. 

I will also never forget the many, many people that sent us their love, that kept us in their prayers and were so, so kind.  I have not been able to thank everyone and for that I am so sorry. We were overwhelmed with love.  Your love.  
Gwen is our miracle.  She is in our lives.  It wasn't her time to go.  It just wasn't.  I get to continue to be her mom, to mother her.  For this gift I will be forever grateful.